The Spoon Hook du lieu suivant : Winfield, Kansas • Page 1

1 ii Spool NO. 1. WINFIELD, KANSAS, MAY 17, 1906. VOL. 1.

Da mayor ha appoint a gute honest farmer for marshal again. Eet ban grat pity to spoil a honest fallar on a yob lak dat. Every marshal except Yon Skinner, ha geet cross-eyed look-ang eento do keyholes off da yoints. Yon, ha yust listen against da door. A lak Yon.

Ha ban goang back to hees farm lak a honest farmer till da postofflce geets ripe. Da Nvaho girls, da ban yenuine Nava-hose, all right. Especially de hose. A ban not gute financier. When Chance Wells tal ma hees stock pay seexty-tive cent deevidend and ha sell eet to ma at par, A tal him A been not some hogs to tak gute tang from heem.

A advise heem to keep eet and grow diamonds fer hees grand-chiilens. A QUERY If an ordinary private citizen, pos sessing a slight fringe of red hair below the line of the hat band, can graft one thousand dollars out of a natural gas deal involving an expenditure of ten thousand dollars, how much should be the portion of a member of the city council as chairman of the tire, light, water and sewerage committees, on a deal involving the expenditure of near two hundred thousand dollars? Also: How much should' a reform POLITICAL PRAGRAPHS BY OLA A haf a grat scheme. A ban goang to buy da water-works stand-pipe up on da hill and grow, bull-frogs and puddle ducks for da Wintield market, eef da mayor and councilmans don't beat ma to eet and buy eet for dreenk water. A gute ceety councilmans who haf da well-off of da ceety and da peoples at heart, ha ban a peach off grat price; but a councilmans who mak yokes at da petition off da wronged ceetizen, na ban lak da steenk een da reservoir. Da mayor and ceety councilmans, da ban goang to mak sewer system soon as eet rains so da can see which way da water runs.

A tank eet ban goang to ban long dry spell. Da present sewer system ban gute enough fer Wintield. Eet ban on wheels. A met it goang out of town. Lak Solomon's war-horse, A smell eet from afar.

Da fallars Col. Ed Greer licked, and da fallars who helped heem lick dem banyust same tang at convention. Col Ed ban lak Samson. Ha slade Col. Reel Hackney by da yaw-bone off da ceevic league and den brak da yaws off da ceevic leagueers een da convention.

A lak fun. A ban yust so young and peert as a yay-bird; but A dont lak da danged confetti fool at da carnival whether ha ban een breeches or panties. A tank A skall yoin da Wintield EXPERT EVIDENCE FOR PLAINTIFF Here comes upon the witness stand a scientitic gent, Who had hunted savage bacilli on every continent; And marshaled animalculae as generals marshal troops, And sorted up the animals in many harmless groups; And he classed the reeking odors and the vile and bitter flavors With the scum, as pure algae-water's most refreshing flavors; And he thought the animalculae, un- less the people die, Could be swollowed with impunity-he knew no reason why. "Why talk of noxious odors and common stinks as well, When science proves them wholesome and pleasant to the smell? What if it's nauseating and makes the people sick? When science says its wholesome, the stomach shouldn't kick. Therefore, as a scientist, I've run these odors down And find them healthful to the citizens and wholesome for the town." EXPERT EVIDENCE FOR DEFENSE "I analyzed the waters-I'm a chemist? I should say, And found in it strong evidence of animal decay.

I also found some minerals, in quantities so great, That I could not recommend it to be breathed, or drank or ate. I found the deadly microbe that is, in theory, Swarming there in millions bacilli and bacteria, "THAT REMINDS ME" BYP HECK The recent letting of the contract for a new water-works system for Wintield brings to mind a suit that was brought by the old water company against the city a number of years ago to recover for water rentals. The amount of water rentals earned was several hundred dollars, but the city made the defense that the water was not tit for use. A number of experts were brought here from Kansas City to testify on both sides and each set of experts, it would seem, went to the limit in favor of the party they were trying to serve. A Wintield law yer who was present at the trial, but not employed in the case, found leisure to hit off the trial as follows.

The report as given below was published in the Wintield Courier on the day the verdict was returned into court: THE CASE IN DETAIL The Water Co i vs Action for Water City of Wintield Service Unofficial report by P. Heck "Water Co. vs Wintield is the next case for trial, "Are all parties ready?" said his honor witli a smile. "Plaintiff is said the lawyer, "that is, we will be soon, If the court can entertain itself some way 'till noon." 'The case is called for trial," said his honor rather tart; "Is defendant ready, gentlemen? This case has got to start." "Defendant would be ready," said the mayor receive as his portion, for the lawyer with a sigh, "But our scientitic witnesses have lost their bacilli; Large and ghastly bacilli, that made the water rank: We had them in this bottle here, it seems the beasts were drank." "Call the jury," said his honor, with brilliant idea of combining such im port ant committees? An elegant chromo, properly framed, will be presented the genius who will furnish the proper estimate to the above query by Septembsr 1, 190(. Please remember the weather is pretty warm just now and that it is not best to work yourself into a lather over the problem.

Take plenty of time. A portion of the city of Wintield is in imminent danger of being engulfed by a landslide. Already the encroaching earth has nearly buried from sight all the sidewalk on the west side of the court house, every rain brings a fresh deposit of beautiful red and brown mud through the iron fence from the court house yard and spreads itself in rich soft folds over the sidewalk. If this deposit could be sewed to grass seed, while still soft and yield ing, it would tend to greatly improve the appearance of the st reet, and the change in the topography of the town could be overlooked. Get ready for the assembly, June 19 to 29.

Last year the Commercial club got 10 per cent of the carnival receipts; this year 20 per cent, amounting to over $200.00. P. II. Albright may become the Democratic candidate for county commissioner in the First district against "Billy" Huston. Commercial club so A can explain to ma wife how A ban obliged to ban sociable against da carnival womans at da door off da tent.

A dont lake all deese criticisms about da ceety councilmans and da mecadam contract made behind da door. Eet dont ban proper respect fer da officers. Eef A ban councilmans A skall yust stood up and explain. Onsofeesticated fallar, ha ask ma, Ola, ha say, who ban public-spirited? A tal heem eet ban da fallar who geet a rake-off een da macadam yob equal to hees taxes. Ha say, A tank A skall ban eet.

A-noder suspicious cuss, haeenquire eef eet ban proper fer a councilmans to sell stones and gravel to da contractor on do macadam yob. A tal heem A tank eet ban all right eef da councilmans feex hees price before ha let da yob. Eet ban gute yoke on Col Yudge Buckman, Col. Feenk, Leetle Charley Roberts and Yay E. Torrance.

Da mayor and councilmans, da mak special meeting and decide day inyunk-tion soot against dem. Da yaw-work and da pen-work off da wanto-bau candidates fer da legislature, eet ban purty danged tierce, trying to prove eachoder yackass. Eet looks lak waste off tarn and hot wind. I )e public, eet ban supposed to tak yudicial notice off some tangs. While da forth end banscrapang, Col.

Beel Cunningham will move da court house and da county yail to Arkansas ceety and leave us notang but da smell. And when they flushed the gutters, if my theory be true, They took unto them gauzy wings, and in the air they flew. And entered into every 'man's liver, lungs and head, And, theoretically, I'm sure, the people all are dead; For none, I think, could long survive such vicious atmosphere, And, logically, they must be dead, al though we see them here." ARGUMENT OF COUNSEL FOR PLAINTIFF Says counsel for the plaintiff: "Our case is plain as day; We have furnished wholesome water in a scientitic way." ARGUMENT OF COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT Says the counsel for the city, with daggers in his eye: "You have tilled our specious abdomens with savage bacilli." VERDICT OF THE JURY "We, the jury, duly sworn, upon our oaths do find, That the plaintiff furnished the question is, what kind? For the scientitic gentlemen, who labored long and hard, To explain their several theories, the jury has regard: But somehow it sorter seems to us if we may thus remark, That instead of lighting up the points they rather made them dark. So we cannot see our way quite clear, and yet the jury thinks That when a thing is bad, it's bad, and when it stinks, it stinks. Wre find the city used it, and of course, it then must be oiler The law gives plaintiff something our verdict is one dollar." a pleasant little laugh, "If you can't praduce your bacilli, use their photographs." PLAINTIFF STATES ITS CASE "Gentlemen of the jury," as he rose to state his cause, "The plaintiff's case appeals to you according to the law.

We have quenched the city's burning thirst on sultry summer days, And drenched her blazing rookeries and squelched the angry blaze. We have cleaned her filthy gutters, like a rushing mighty flood, And furnished drinking water, almost as clear as mud. For months and months and weeks and weeks, also day by day, They drank our mud and water, and now refuse to pay." DEFENDANT STATES ITS CASE "May it please the court and gentlemen, while I'm upon the fioor, I'll sanction all that counsel said and add a little more. Plaintiff gave the city water, as you heard the counsel tell, But the water brought along with it a frightful, rancid smell Defendant bought pure water, the smell it did not buy, Nor the slimy, wriggling millions of the deadly bacilli: And, being thus imposed upon, why, as you heard them say, We stand upon our legal rights, and just refuse to pay. i 1 i 1 I I.