The Courier from Fairview, Kansas • 7

OUR LAUGHING GAS KANSAS NEWS. VETERAN'S CORNER. CAMPFIRE STORIES FOR OLD SOLDIERS. FLOATINQ HUMOR, WIT AND Of the sixteen graduates in the Gar SATIRE. nett high school, only two were boys.

of Lee's men at Appomattox, I was not to be delivered to the civil authorities for acts committed In time of war. The requisition was subsequently refused and it was unsafe for me to visit my old home until within a few years past. However, I responded to an Invitation to deliver at the point mentioned a Fourth of July oration. AH former hostility toward me had vanished, and my reception was as cordial as I could have desired." The assessor's returns show a popu lation of 3,150 in Concordia. "The Regiment's Return," a Poem Last Battle of the War A Close Call-He Saved Hit Leg Death of Sergeant White.

Cy Leland is said to have hit the The Work of the Bloomer Woman Kuropaan fashion In Darktown Choosing the Lesser of Two Evils Flotsam and Jetsam. market for (10,000 on the recent raise in wheat. Mary Tig one. Once there was a little girl, as the laying goes, and she and her brother loved to pose In tableaux of their own conceiving. At the time when the Greek play of "Antigone" was given in tho city, they heard much talk about it from their elders, and were all afire to produce something brilliant themselves, on their own little stage.

"Let's play Antigone!" suggested Bertha, at last, when the old folks had been again talking it over. "All right," responded Tom. "I'll be Antigone." "No, you can't. She was a lady. I'll be Antigone." "AH right.

You may. I'll be George Washington, and come in and tell her about my hatchet." So the rehearsals were begun, and things went swimmingly. One day, however, Bertha got a little fractious, and longed for a change. Beloit's fire department will handle the Fourth of July celebration in that city. Sixty-four names have been signed iST CLOTHES no a tailor makes Since mamma got to a petition for a militia company in Manhattan.

her wheel. The editor of the Brown Count? upon a thousand housetops flags are flying in the air', There are thundering of cannon, and the trump's exultant blare, For he's coming, he is coming, my true love comes home to-dayj All the city throngs to meet him as he II Brers bv the way. World owns up that he would really like to have an office. Fort Scott's society minstrels mad I stay at home for the children's sakes And make the sweetest kind of cakes And other culinary fakes "I guess I don't like Antigone very a grea hit. The net receipts oi the two entertainments were $530.

He Saved HU Leg. A Maine soldier Captain John Quln-cy Adams saved his leg during the war in an" original way. After the battle of Cedar Mountain, Rebel bullet, which produced a compound comminuated fracture of a thigh bone. He was taken to the hospital, and, when the surgeons came around, he was "chalked" for amputation. After the surgeon had passed, Adams rubbed out the chalk mark, and thus gained a day.

When the surgeons came around again, they decided that his was a case for amputation, but Adams thought otherwise, and rubbed out their markings as before. That night Dr. Garcelon arrived on the scene, having been sent out by Gov. Washburne to look after the Maine wounded, and ta him Adams appealed on behalf of his shattered femur. Amputation was deferred, and the result was that Adams saved his leg, which served him fairly well, during the remainder of his life.

Captain Adams died last November at his home In North Vanceboro, Me. A Paola man has the contract for furnishing 175,000 of brick to be used wen," she saia. "I aon like ner name. "All right," said obliging Tom, "let's alter It." "Why, what can we call her?" "Mary Tlgone. That's a good name." The prima donna approved the change, aftd the play went on.

Youth's Companion. in the government building at Kansas City. Frank Perry of Humboldt, is making a trip to California on his bicycle. Ha covered the distance to La Junta, 430 miles, in five days. The Sterling Bulletin man has been presented with a box of irrigation grown strawberries so large that thir ty-four berries filled the box.

He is coming from the battle with his knapsack and his gun-He, an hundred times my darling for the dangers he has run; Twice they said that he was dead, but I would not believe the He, While my faithful heart kept loving him I knew he could not die. All in white will I array me; with a rosebud In my hair, And his ring upon my finger he shall see It shining there. He will kiss me, he will kiss me, with. the kiss of long ago, He will, fold his arms around me close and I shall cry, I know. the years that I have waited rather lives they seem to be For the dawning of the happy, day that brings him back to me! j.

i -I 1 But the worthy cause has triumphed, Joy! the war Is over! He is coming; he is coming, my gallant soldier lover. The Topeka Dressing club is the name of a new enterprise which for $1.50 a month cleans, scours and presses a dude's pants, suits and overcoats. Last Battle of the War. James Slaughter, of Alabama, an ex-firener'al in the Confederate army, who The State of Matrimony. Some one has asked the question, "Where is the State of Matrimony?" and the answer the tramp heard was; "It is one of the United States.

It is bounded by hugging and kissing on one side and the cradle and the babies on the other. Its chief production is population, broomsticks and staying out at night. It was discovered by Adam and Eve while trying to find a passage out of Paradise. The climate is rather sultry until you pass the tropics of housekeeping, when squally1 weather sets in without sufficient power to keep all hands cool as cucumbers; For the principal road leading to that state, consult the. first pair of blue eyes you run across." Exchange, i Js credited by Jefferson Davis in his DoQk with fighting the last battle ot tne war, is a man of singular frankness.

He fought his. last ba'tle at Bo'nas Sati lago, 'Texas. He says he had heard of Lee's' surrender want' to fight, but" the Union troops advanced oft? him and he "attacked and routed He took some prisoners. but treated them rather as guests that Captives. JA Choosing the Lessser Evil, Since mamma got her wheel.

I've had my russet shoes resoled Since mamma got her wheel. The hats I wear are getting old, My troubles have increased tenfold, No longer am I feeling bold Since mamma got her wheel, I stay at home the livelong day Since mamma got her wheel. My head, alas, is growing gray, 1 While she, bebloomered, rides hep way, I haven't had a word to say I Since mamma got her wheel. They say that mamma's up to date Since she has got her wheel. And while I sit at home irate And for her coming back I wait It's quite the thing, they intimate, i- Since mamma got her wheel.

If this be so, let mamma rifle, Since she has. got her And when from out this world I slide On my tombstone it described, "I He here now quite satisfied 1 Since mamma got her wheel." Tom Masson. ii Both Had It. He was standing on a street corner looking very disconsolate when a friend asked what troubled him. "Looking for a new Job," he said shortly, "What was the matter with the one yoS had?" asked the friend.

"Grip," he replied. "Lost your grip?" "No. Got it." "What do you mean?" "Well," he said in an explanatory way, "the grip is very trying to a man's temper, isn't It?" "Yes." "You never saw a man with the grip In good humor did you?" "NO." "Well, I made trifling mistake." "Yes." "And the boss said something to me about It." "Of course." "And I said something to him." "Yes." "We both had the grip at the time." "Well, what else?" "Nothing else, He's looking for a new clerk, and I'm looking for a new boss. Men can get along all right, but when two case of grip come together there's always trouble." Chicago Post. Mrs.

Houlihan Sure, Teddy, It's cost in' yure sowl more to shave yuresllf than it would cost yure pocket to pay for a barber. Mr. Houlihan (slashing himself again) Begobs, if it war a barber that were cuttln' me this way, It's lucky Ol'd be to get off wld a life sentence! Texas Siftlngs. jew days afterwards he recognized the situation in this, order: "Soldiers, the war Is over. Go.

home and try to make as good citizens as you have soldiers, and do I hope that the result will-prove 'that our enemy was right and we were wrong." When his attention was ence called tq the peculiarity of the last sentence, he replied: "I was always opposed to secession and favored a union of the States, one and inseparable. I was a lieutenant of artillery In the army of the United States when the war broke out. I was a Union man, but I resigned from the army vafter 'the fall 'of Fort Sumter, the Confederate forces, and fought against what I believed then and now to have been legitimate authority; nevertheless I was unwilling that the Southern people should be conquered, whether right or wrong." Consln of Prt mldent Abo. The discovedy was made at Reading, that John Lincoln, 86 years old, a cousin of ex-President Abraham Lincoln, was the' almshouse there. His, features much resemble those of the martyred president.

His mind ha3 given away, and his answers to questions are very childish. He Is a son of Thomas Lincoln, a wealthy farmer and hotel keeper, who died In 1859. John Inherited $30,000, and In his time was regarded as a great sport. His money went rapidly, and he was finally compelled, through family estrangements, to go to the county almshouse. His wife, Mrs.

Annie Lincoln, died at her home In Exeter a few years ago, and this circumstance recalled the fact that the husband still lived and was a ward of the county. During the war John Lincoln made a trip to Washington and called on the president, and the two cousins had quite a lengthy chat, during which their relationship was fully established. Too Late. Young Tutter Is your brother. In, Miss Von Blumer? Miss Von Blumer No.

He has step ped out for a few moments. "Then I will wait. I am going to an entertainment tonight, and I want to Closing Scenes of the War." In the latter, part of the month of J865, 'Washington saw many signs of collapse of the rebellion. The confederate army appeared to be badly demoralized," and deserters, who 'arrived constantly In large numbers, reported that men from Alabama, Georgia, Florida, and the Carollnas could not be expected to have any heart In a flght which then seemed only for tho defense of Virginia, while their own states were overrun by the armies of the Union. During the month of March more than 3,000 deserters were received at Washington, and great numbers were quartered at Fort Monroe, Annapolis, and other points nearer the lines, where they were put to work In the Quartermaster's department or in the naval service.

One curiosity of the times was a Confederate regimental band which had deserted in a body with its instruments, and was allowed to march through the streets of the national capital playing Union airs. This was one of the oddest signs of the final break up. People recalled a story, told by Hooker, that when the Union army scaled and occupied Lookout Mountain, a rebel sentry on duty on the crest of one of the most difficult precipices saw our men pile up in solid masses over steeps which had been thought inaccessible, and was so surprised that he forgot to run, but stood with feet rooted to the spot, watching the Union forces climbing up and streaming past him, and driving the enemy far to the rear, until he was left alone, a staue of amazement. Recovering himself at last he threw down his musket, stripped off his rebel-gray Jacket, stood on them both, and, looking far off to the sunny south, stretched out as a map before him, Bald, "How are you, Southern Confederacy?" But notwithstanding such indications of a collapse of the rebellion, at this very time many Northern Union newspapers, led by Horace Greely and others of his stamp, were demanding that appeals should be made to the Southern people "to stop the flow of blood and the waste of treasure," and that some message should be sent to the Southerners "so terse that It will surely be circulated, and so lucid that It cannot be misconstrued or perverted," by way of an invitation to cease fighting. Curiously enough, the nearer the time came for a final surrender, the more fervid was the demand for negotiation and appeal from the unreasonable radicals In the ranks of Northern Unionists But all this was soon to end; and while a small party was asking, "Why not negotiate?" the downfall came.

Noah Brooks in the Century. see him much." "I am afraid It will be useless, Mr. Tutter, as he has on his dress suit al ready." Clothier and Furnisher. The Judge's Request. The witness with the exasperating weak voice who shows up in nearly every lawsuit was represented In a case.

After allowing him to annoy court and Jury for a time with his timid voice, Judge Henderson said to him: "Please bring your voice up out of your vest." Meadvllle, Mes senger. Orator Beekman of Wiiifield. tackled Wall street, Jeff Davis and Bob Ingersoll in three speeches last week and quit winner at every Bitting. Abilene has a "Merry Wives" club, and when their husbands kick on cold grub after a meeting, the "Merry Wives" raise merry something else. "Trust in God and keep your powder dry," was all right for 1776, but we should paraphrase it' for Kansas in 1895: "Trust in God and irrigate." Rev.

A. W. Bishop, who was for seven years pastor of the Olathe Congregational church, has accepted a call to Parsons. i The startling announcement comes from Neosho Falls.by way of the Post, that potatoes are big enough to grabble." The Atwood Citizen says the big rain of last week was by far the heaviest and most beneficial that has fallen in that part of the state since 1891. Employes of the Missouri, Kansas and Texas railway in Parsons are going to establish a library and reading room for their own benefit.

I. N. Temple, one of Mitchell county's best citizens, and an old veteran with a splendid war record, died in Beloit Decoration day. Columbian wheelmen are figuring on a ten or twelve days' outing, during which they expect to cover 600 to 1,000 miles of territory. Farmer Childs of Riley county, challenges anybody to show the equal of some corn, four feet two inches in height, that be left at the Manhattan Nationalist office the other day.

The real bright man, when he goes to Topeka, pins some sort of a badge to the lapel of his coat, and then the people of that city, in pure absent-mindedness, treat him ver cordially Newton is suffering from an attack of the lady bicycler. A club of thirty has just been organized and the railroad people cut just as much ice as the old settlers in the club. The Post asserts that not only is Galena now the best busines center, but within year it will hive the greatest population of any town in the entire mineral belt. John Dice of Neosho Falls, says he has discovered he entire skeleton of a buffalo thirty feet under the ground. If John was loaded this throw doesn't count.

Misfortunes never come singly. An amateur dramatic club from lloising-ton played "Ten Nights in a Barroom" in Great Bend the same week that the hot winds blew so awfully. The fakir who sells "gold" watches for a dollar and throws in a cash prize reaped a harvest in Oscaloosa the other day. The watches would be dear at a dime each, and the prize was a copper cent. The auburn haired cynic of the Clay Center Times has recently become the uncle of a brand new nephew, who starts out handicapped fer life under the ponderous cognomen of Delbert Arenas Valentine.

Miss Hutchison of Cherryvale, literally drew a blanket in the lottery of matrimony when she married a man from Galena the other day. That's her husband's name. However, Mr. Kidd united them fn the holy bonds. The recent trial of Angell Matthew-son in Parsons, on the charge of having received deposets when his bank was known to be insolvent, and which resulted in his acquittal, is said to have cost Labette county $10,000.

Baxter Springs is already energetically engaged in the preliminary work in anticipation of the fourteenth annual reunion of the old to be held there in September. The enterprising citizens are determined to make it the most memorable event of the entire series. Mr. Grant Shaw, who used to run the Wilson county Sun, has bought the Florence Bulletin from J. Fred Whiting.

Whiting will go into the musio store business. When everything else is said about Whiting it must be admitted that be is an excellent performer upon the French harp. Giving Her Encouragement. "Now," tell me," said Miss Flatnote, The Little Darkey's Answer. A Yankee "schoolmarm" in Georgia, so an exchange reports, had a class of a dozen colored boys on the floor.

For several days she had been laboring with them over the words "dog" and "cat." She had written the words on the blackboard, had used them in connection with a picture of a house, and had had the boys write the words and draw houses. Today, by way of varying the exercises, she had drawn a picture of a tree, in the top of which was a cat, while a dog was barking at the foot. Below the picture she printed In big letters: "The dog has run the cat up a tree." "Now, boys," she said, with pardonable enthusiasm, "how many of you can read any of these words?" Up went a small black hand shaking with excitement. "Well, Sydney," said the teacher, "you may tell." "The dog's done treed a 'possum!" shouted Sydney, at the top of his voice. In a compliment-courting tone, "do you think my singing voice is at all adapted for the stage?" "Certainly, mademol selle," replied the professor, "admlr ably adapted, and for a very difficult class of stage work." "Oh, you mean to flatter me!" "Not at all.

I refer to Peculiar Death of Sergeant White The 10th Iowa regiment went into the battle of Champion Hills with 336 men; 167 were killed and wounded. While I was on burial detail I found that Sergt. White had been moving around, although there was a gash across the top of his head as large as a tumbler, and his brains scattered about some twenty or thirty feet. He was still breathing. During the work I got myself badly stained with blood but this did not worry me like the thoughts of one of my own mess trying to live without his brains.

D. L. MARKS. Reynolds, Neb. pantomime." Boston Transcript.

An Implied Slnr. In congress, while deliver ing one of the long, prosy speeches for which he was noted, said to Henry Clay: "You speak, sir, for the present generation, but I speak for posterity." In the European Fashion. "Yes," replied the great Kentucklan, "and It seems you are resolyed to speak until your audience Phlla delphla Press. With a Nickel Taglelgh There's not much difference between New York and Brooklyn. Waglelgh It Is one that can be bridged over, anyway.

New York World. A Matter of Law, Now. First Lady I am going down town to consult about a new hat. Second Lady Milliner? Jack the Clipper. A new but unedlfylng edition Of the "Rape of the Lock" is creating a flutter among the Parisian maidens who wear their hair in a long plait.

A girl of 16, with her tresses thus arranged, was waiting for a tramcar, In front of one of the offices, when she suddenly gave Tent to a shriek. A man standing behind her had tried to cut off the whole of her back hair, and In the attempt had hurt her In the neck. This individual endeavored to escape, but he was prevented by the people gathered round, who would have administered sound chastisement If the police had not taken him in charge and led him off to'the station. Then no less than six pairs of scissors were found on the fellow, as well as a long lock of hair which he had already succeeded in abstracting from some fair victim, i Professional Courtesy. It Is some consolation to think that, no matter how far the erase for bloomers goes, the New York Evening Post will sever outrage the proprieties of her sex by appearing in them.

New York World. I' First Lady. No, lawyer. Detroit Tribune. His Idea Of It.

A Close Call. Said Representative O'Ferrall, of Virginia, to a group of gentlemen In Washington some time ago: "I don't know how It feels to bo hanged, but I know how a man feels who narrowly escaped being In the late war I made a raid with rny regiment of cavalry Into that region of West Virginia where I was born and raised. Some of my men either wantonly or accidentally burned some barns and dwellings and a large number of horses and cattle were confiscated. The animals were taken by my orders, put I disclaimed all responsibility for the incendiary acts of the men. However, when the war closed a warrant was Issued for my arrest, and officers of West Virginia came to Richmond and asked Provisional Governor Wells that I be delivered to them to be taken back to West Virginia, to be tried for the crjmes committed.

My counsel fought Vigorously against my delivery to the West Virginia authorities and I brought all possible Influence to the governor to get him to decline to honor the requisition. In the meantime word reached me from home that a plan was on foot to take me from the officers at the station near my birth-place, escort me to a large elm tree, in sight of my mother's residence, and hang me. Finally, at the suggestion of Governor Wells, I wrote to Gen. Grant, stating the circumstances of the case, and he decided that as I was Included in the surrender Ikey Hocksteln Poppa, vat do they mean by decimal coinage? Hocksteln Senior Ten per shent. TUey, my boy; ten per shent.

Officer Johnslng (enterlng)r-Gen'la-men, what's dis? Rewelwers drawn! Mr. Yallerby la only tryln to keep de Mr. Ebbonle An sah, am onty malntalnln' de balance ob power! -Texas -Very Sharp. Cholly Miss S. is the sharpest girl I know.

Chumley Yes. she cuts me every time I meet her. "Much Ado Abont Nothing." Indignant Collector What! I am to get nothing on this bill, and I have been None of It Wasted." "Papa," said Johnny, "down here at the next street corner there's an awful utrong smell of gas. Who pays for It when it leaks like that?" "I pay for a good deal of It myself, I presume," replied Johnny's father, with a ghastly attempt at cheerfulness. Chicago Tribune.

Wedding Gift from the Pope. The wedding gift of the jwpe to the Princess Helene d'Orleans Is a sacred relic handsomely set In gold and thickly studded with brilliants and other precious stonea here a dozen times. Do you really mean to pay me nothing? Johnnie Fewscads Well, don't make jso much fuss about nothing..