Jerry Simpson's Bayonet from Wichita, Kansas • 6

JBEBY SIMPSON'S BAYONET. OUR BUDGET 01' FUN. Too One-Sided. Diamond Cut Diamond. Downtown "Here comes Jackson.

He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death." Uptown "Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let's introduce them to each other and leave them to their fate." Countered Neatly. Wife I met an old acquaintance today, Mr. Meeker. You remember he was your rival for my hand.

Husband Yes. I hate that man. Wife You shouldn't hate, him just because he used to love me. sbad Oh, that isn't the reason. I hate him because he didn't marry you.

Had a Pretty Good Hunch. "How did you come to pluck up enough courage to propose to Miss Frisbie, Bunting?" "Well, she suggested that I had better not send her an expensive valentine this year, but save my money to" go to housekeeping," confessed Bunting. Detroit Free Press. Too Much for Him. Little Timmidy I er er pwe-sume, Miss Van Swell, that you will appeah in some stunning costume at the ball? Miss Van Swell Why, do you know, I have thought of absolutely nothing.

Little Timmidy I I gug! gug! (Faints). Puck. Common Form of Cruelty. "Yes, he claimed his wife pinched him severely whenever she asked him for money." "Well, he needn't flatter himself that he is the only man who has been pinched for money." Cleveland Plain Dealer. How Could She Hold Oat? The lovers had quarreled.

"You're not everybody!" she exclaimed hotly. "No," he agreed, edging closer, "but I'm pretty near everybody." And at this she capitulated. Stray Stories. The Bargain Craze. "Oh, George, elephants have dropped in price from $10,000 each to $1,500." "Now, Clara, I warn you, if you buy one you needn't expect me to board Indianapolis Journal.

So I opened the dogma of no-government and non-resistance, and anticipated the objections and the fun, and procured a kind of hearing for I said, it is true that I have never seen in any country a man of sufficient valor to stand for this truth and yet it is plain to me, that no less valor than this can command my respect. Emerson. Money is neither a material to work upon, nor a tool to work with; and though the wages of the workman are commonly paid to him in money, his real revenue, like that of all men, consists, not in the money, but in the money's worth; not in the metal pieces but. in what can be got for them. Adam Smith.

SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. A Variety of Quips, Gibes and Ironies, to Cause a Smile Flotsam and Jetsam from the Tide of Humor-Witty Information Wanted. A small boy living in Mt. Salem, was asking his father questions the other night.

"Pa," said he, "what is dehorning?" Father Why, it's cutting the horns off cattle. Boy (after reflecting) Pa, "what is detailing? Father (growing irritated) What in the world are you asking so many questions for? Boy Well, I saw in the paper the other day where Gen. Buller detailed a whole squad of his men. Detroit Free Press. Likely to Get Even.

Old Friend What became of that beautiful full-length portrait of yourself and and your first husband? Mrs. Twotimes It is hidden away in the garret. My second husband has never seen it yet. I'm keeping it for a surprise. "A surprise?" "Yes.

If he ever again gives me a shilling bottle of perfumery for a birthday gift, I'll give him that painting for his next birthday present." Stray Stories. Recognized the Touch. "What are you trying to play, Ethel?" called out her father from the next room. "It's an exercise from my new instruction book, 'First Steps in Music she answered. "I thought you were playing with your feet," he said grimly; "don't step so heavily on the keys, it disturbs my thought." Stray.

Incurable Fidelity. Two old Scotch friends met and spoke of the days when they had been sweethearts. 1 At last he said: "Ah, Jennie, an' I hae na loved anybody since you. I hae never forgotten you." "John," she replied, with a little moistening of the eyes, "You're just as big a leear as ever, an' I believe ye jist the same." Answers. Nothing More to Say.

"I saw him kiss you just before he was leaving," said the sour-visaged aunt, and she said it in a regular dull-thud tone. "Yes, auntie." "Well, I can realize that it would be the last thing he would think of," and she sailed out as though she had scored every possible point. Stray Stories. She Got It. "My dear," began the minister's wife, "there's a bonnet down at the millin "There you go again," he interrupted, "always thinking of worldly things." "But, my dear, you wrong me," she said.

"This bonnet is perfectly heavenly." Philadelphia Press. It Probably Would. "The inclinations are," remarked the man who was looking at the sky with an expression of great wisdom, "that it will be cold and raw." The man who has had trouble with the servant girl problem meekly inquired: "The weather or dinner?" -Stray Stories. Les 9 Sentiment Than She Had. The elderly belle Ah, it brings back old memories to join in the dance once more.

The elderly beau Yes, and I think it has also revived my old rheumatism. Stray Stories. Leading Up to It, Miss DeMulr Papa, this is Mr. Gal-loper-rno, I mean Mr. Pacer.

The Young Man I beg pardon, but my name is Trotter. Miss DeMuir So stupid of me. I knew it had something to do with horses, though. Chicago Tribune. The Roundabout Way.

"You have three brothers, haven't you?" he inquired. "Yes," she answered. "Why?" "Oh, I was just wondering if you would like to make me a fourth." "I'm very sorry," she replied, "but I will be a wife to you." So He Was Fired. "It's too said the consoling friend. "I you were right in line of promotion." "No mournfully replied the man who l03t his "I was right in the firing line." Chicago Tribune.

Not His Fanlt. "Sir," began the tramp, as he stepped in front of a pedestrian, "I've seen better days, and "Well," interrupted the other, "you needn't blame me for it. I'm not the weather man." What He Likes. "Jones grumbles at cold weather." "Yes." "And he grumbles at hot weather." "Yes." "What does he like?" "He likes to grumble." Safncient Reason. Fannie "If you are so positive that Harry loves you, why, for goodness sake, don't you accept him, and get married?" Jane "He won't ask me." Detroit Free Press.

Wanted It Removed. OEMflST Dentist Do you want the tooth extracted? Kal Somme No, sah! no, sah! I wants it pulled out, an' dat quick, too. Natural Tendency. "I guess Binks has just had a raise in salary," said the confirmed cynic. "Has anybody told you so?" "No; but he goes about saying he thinks the world is getting better, and that the danger from 'trusts is greatly magnified, and that human nature isn't so bad after all.

That's the way a man nearly always talks after he has had a raise in salary." Washington Star. He Fell Into the Trap. Wife Did you mail that letter I gave you this morning? Husband Of course I did. Wife How provoking! I wanted to add a ostscript. Husband (producing the letter-Well, here it is.

Why didn't you tell me that in the first place? Chicago News. "Do you remember those happy dayg when everything was common between us, one sharing the purse of the other?" "Yes. I was always the other." Indestructible. Mrs. Newed (to market man) I want a chicken that I can fry, or, stew, or roast, or fix up any way I like.

Market Man Sure, mum, here's one you can do anything you like wid, an' not hurt it. Baltimore American. A Reminder. "It doesn't seem possible that we are married," he said. "George, dear," replied the young wife, "here is a bill for a bonnet I got down town today." Philadelphia North American.

Similar. Teacher "I just gave you the proverb. The burned child dreads the No'v, can any one of you tell me a similar proverb?" Pupil "I can, teacher. 'The washed child dreads the Strategy. "What is in that box you are so careful about, if I may ask?" inquired the man who had secured the lower berth in the sleeper.

"That's a collection of rare snakes I am taking to the museum. They are too valuable to be trusted out of my sight," replied the man, who was preparing to climb to the upper shelf. "Say, I'll trade berths with you." "All right. I'm not particular where I sleep." Chicago Tribune." Effect of Sadden Check. "Speaking of large babies," remarked Mr.

Meeker, animatedly, as the conversation became general. "I knew a couple of twins once, named Herkinal, that weighed At this instant he caught the stony glare of Mrs. Meeker's eye turned in his direction. Four pounds!" And he said it with pausing the twentieth part of a second. Chicago Tribune.

The Roadside Idea. Hungry Higgins What is these here "progressive dinners" the swell aristocrats is havin? Weary Watkins you git your soup at one your Jish at the next place, your meat at the next place "And dog-bit at the next place?" Not Well Versed In Etlquet. "What was this row about?" asked the policeman. "It all came about," the father-in-law explained, "by some of those cheeky boys throwing shoes at the bride." "Well," said the policeman, "that's customeary." Stray Stories. Exercising.

"What's that professional pugilist doing now?" "Exercising." What's he using; a punching bag or phonograph?" Washington Santa Fe Route ATCHISON, TOPEKA SANTA FE. NORTH AND EAST. Arrive Leave Arrive Arrive No. Wichita Wichita R. City Chicago 408 9:50 pn 9:50 pm 6:30 a 9:00 40611:05 am 11:05 am 6:00 9:30 a 416 3:30 pm 3:40 pm 10:35 pm 418 2:20 4:00 Local.

458 3:20 Englewood Express. 428 7:30 pm 7:30 pm 6:30 a 9:30 SOUTH AND WEST. No Wichita Wichita Ft Worth Galvea-n 407 6:55 am 7:00 am 8:30 pm 8:00 am 405 5:50 pm 5:50 pm 8:05 am 9:35 pm 415 1:10 pm 417 12:15 1:20 Local Freight 457 7:20 am Englewood express 427 8:80 pm Caldwell Pan ex. WEST. Arrive Leave Arrive Arrive No Wichita Wichita Pueblo Denver 416 3:30 pm 3:40 pm 6:45 a 1 10.00 a a Arrive Leave Arrive -Arrive No Wichita Wichita Pueblo LosAag'g 428 I I Fifty hours to Los Angles.

Daily except Sunday. L. B. DELANEY, City Ticket Agent.