Morris County Advance from Council Grove, Kansas • 1

MORRIS COUNTY ADVANCE Volume 3. COUNCIL GROVE, KANSAS, AUGUST 17, 1910. NUMBER 18 FOOL INVENTIONS FLOOD UNCLE SAM'S NEW BUREAU. If Humorists Continue to Work, Government May Establish Another Office. Times are becoming strenuous in the patent department at Washington, says the St.

Louis Republic. If it continues, it may necessitate another department, which will be utilized for "fool inventions." Some of the ideas that are patented nearly every da would cause a convulsion of laughter among those who are looking for a good pointer. For instance: A few days ago a woman ed a stuffed cat. She made the eyes of luminous paint, and said the contrivance was to be placed near a mouse hole. When the mice see the fiery-looking eyes of the tabby they are supposed to become terribly frightened and run themselves to death.

She expects to become a multi-millionaire. A minister, who does not advocate total abstinence, has patented a funnel to be placed around a keyhole without any trouble. The idea of course, was not original, as the comic papers for many generations advocated this first aid to the inebriated. An inventive Merry Widow who deplored the terrible effect of railway collisions sent in a prize winner. It consists of a buffer, which, in the drawing looks somewhat like a long pointed ram with a large spring wound about it.

In the centre is the wooden figure of a man and a large bell is in front of him. The aspiring genius told the patent office that when a collision occurs, the spring is supposed to take up the shock and at the same time the wooden man rings the bell in front of him to notify the passengers that the danger has passed. It is certainly a remarkable invention. Another inventor, who evidently read some of Poe's stories, is the originator of an idea to rescue from the grave all who are buried alive. It simply consists of a tube which runs from the mouth of the corpse to the surface of the earth.

At the lower end is a whistle. If a person comes to life all he has to do is to blow the whistle, and the cemetery keeper is supposed to come racing down with pick aud spade to dig him out. A modest young person has come to the rescue of women bicylists. He has invented a pair of wings, which extend from the handlebars to the lower part of the pedale, for the purpose of screening the hosiery of the riders from the vulgar throng. It makes the bicycle look somewhat like a butterfly and may increase the pleasuse of cycling.

The eighth wonder of the world is a contrivance which arrived the other day. It catches flies in the day time, mice at night and peels potatoes in the morning. With a few more inspirations the inventor expects to make it wash the dishes, rock the cradle and milk the cow. Anyway, it's patented. Another talented person iuvented a new kind of elevated railroad.

It consists of a bicycle designed to run along the tips of fences in the country. This does not include the various species of barbed wire. The inventor provided no way for the rider of the machine to get over broken rails, nor did he seem to think that the washer-woman might drive him off the clother line. Marriage License. Calvin L.

Johnston, 31, Council Grove. Cora Fern Briggs, 22, Council Grove. W. J. Miller, 79, Council Grove.

Estella Shiver, 36, Salina. YES, WE'RE STUNG. An Article Appearing in This Paper Without Proper Credit Leads to the Stinging Process. Occasionally a fellow who lifts bodily from an exchange, gets it hard. We received that kind of a jolt, when the White City Register, handed out the following without mitts.

"We congratulate Editor Zimmerman, of the Council Grove ADVANCE on the advent of a male heir into his home. The editor of this paper feels especially exalted because young, Zimmerman has been named in his honor. A pair of pants awaits him." Now we have had several of our citizens give us the same hunch, therefore seem to think the best thing to do is to acknowledge the grievous error that has hung over our head for several days past. In a nut shell, Mr. Watson, of the Register, announced the appearance of an heir in his palatial residence, and gave out to his readers that the new arrival would fill the needs of a business partner.

To show how it must have tickled Watkins we reproduce it so as all the readers may enjoy his parting shot at the editor of the ADVANCE. It follows: WE HAVE TAKEN A PARTNER. For some time past we have. keenly felt the need of a business partner to share the work and responsibility of conducting the increasing business of this office. So on last Sunday we had the good fortune of securing as such a strong, vigorous youngster whom we believe will fill the bill to a dot.

His name happens to be Watkins alto, weighs nine and one- half pounds and is an "insurgent" Republican. This appeared in the White City Register, and the following week in the ADVANCE, and through the error of the compositor who did not give credit, and the failure of the proof reader to see the "bull," we have secured all this notoriety. We are glad Brother Watkins thinks the name O. but in the mean time just think of us as an insurgent republican, with Murdock "li-locks." No, we must 'fess up; it did not occur at our home. We can easily clear ourselves of the charge for we are a member in good standing of the "race suicide club." This at least should be a warning to those papers who are endeavoring to fill their columns from those of their exchanges.

A Trip Around the World. Last Friday night a jolly crowd of young people, mostly members of the Congregational church, started on a trip around the world but upon the arrival at Japan and United State they concluded to discontinued their journey. until next time. Upon reaching Japan at the home of Dr. Corey, they were met by Val and conducted to the parlor which was beautifully lighted in Japanese lanterns.

After a pleasent evening was spent a light luncheon was served in the Japanese style consisting of ice tea and wafers. The guest then repaired to United State at the home of Lester Loomis where they were entertained until a late hour. Refreshments were served consisting of ice cream and light and dark cake. All departed for their homes after having a delightful time. Congregational Church.

Next Sunday morning services will be held as usual at the Congregational church and will be conducted by C. Van Camp. In the absence of the 8. S. Supt.

H. H. McCardell, the Assistant Supt. F. W.

Thomas has charge of the S. S. Miss Cassie Stenger will lead the C. E. meeting at 7 p.

m. SHOT HIS ASSAILANT. A Strong City Boy Kills a Negro---It Is Claimed He Did It in Self Defense. He Fled after the Shooting. Emporia Journal: There was considerable excitement in Strong City Friday night when a white boy, aged 17 shot a negro who attempted to assault him.

The boy was in one of the tents belong. ing to the Carters and in which they keep their flying machine. The story is that the boy was in charge of the tent and that a young colored fellow was hanging around and when told to leave, he became angry and when later urged to make his departure, he threatened to strike the guard with a sledge hammer. The matter later grew to acrimonious and the negro struck at the white boy with the sledge hammer and then the white boy drew a gun and shot his assailant, who died in a few minutes. After shooting the negro the boy skipped out for fear of being arrested and started east.

His mother and arrived in Emporia in an automobile about three-thirty this morning, aroused Sheriff Cowan from his peaceful slumbers and asked him to be on the look out for the young man. They claim that they have two witnesses to testify that the young man shot the negro in self defense and they do not want him to skip It will make it harder for him if he runs away. They did not tell the sheriff their names nor the name of the negro who was shot. A Beautiful Picture Did you ever notice how really beautiful gum chewing makes a girl appear? Take her de facto, and gazing steadily, one can not find a more ideal picture. With a sharp click! clack! her teeth, so white and pearly, are clashing together as, with cowish glee, she masticates her cud.

Then, too, one can note her health tinted, well-rounded cheeks as they grow a little more rotund, through the material assistance of a big "hunk" of gum. And really, who can imagine a fairer spectacle than that of her dainty upturned nose, as it gently rises and falls in wave-like undulations over the abysmal depths revealed at each pressure against the Oh, how deliciously tempting that rosebud mouth is as the maiden fills it with a soft, pliable chunk, and champing like a festive goat revelling in the luxuries of the succulent tomato can, she greets you in tones husky with gum. A Surprise, A number of the High School members gathered at the home of Ralph Elder Monday night at a surprise on Mrs. Amy Bull. She was spending the evening with Mrs.

Green when she was called home and was taken by complete surprise to find the room filled with a merry crowd of young folks. After games of various kinds and music were indulged in, refreshments were served by Misses Alexander and Blackledge, consisting of ice cream and wafers. A Very Good Reason. crossed the Atlantic last month with that young singer, Miss Geraldine Farrar," relates a Savannah banker. "At dinner one night the captain of the ship gave a laugh, and, looking at the rows of pretty female faces in the salon, he said: 'Why do men never kiss one another' while women continually do "Miss Farrar answered: "Men have something better to kiss, but women GLEANED FROM EXCHANGES Taken at Random, but full of Good Ideas For Evening Reading.

A prominent educator says every child is born a liar. But some acquire an advanced standing that is son News. Young people should not be continuouly nagged about being soft and spoony, for the Bible says, "Hold fast to a good Nickerson Argosy. We hold that Kansas needed the good soaking rain far more than it needed the primary election. There was more in it for the state.

-Lawrence Gazette. Crippen has been captured, the Abernathy boys are home, the primaries are over and Roosevelt refuses to talk politics. This promises well for August. -Hutchinson News. A Blue Mound philosopher is quoted by the Kansas City Star, as observing that some men are born good, some make good, and others are caught with the goods on them.

I Streams in Kansas are lower than they have been in many years. The hardest blow imaginable to Kansas would be the necessity of wetting its whistles by the bottle -Ottawa Herald. Instead of fighting a duel over a woman they both love, two New Yorkers threw dice for her hand. Thus does our modern civilization vindicate itself when compared with the old fashioned methods.Hutchinson News. Secretary Ballinger says: The president and I have done all that we could do to make this administration a success." Not quite all.

The secretary SO far has not tried the beneficial effect of re- Republic. "We have members in our says Deacon Walker in the Osborne Farmer, "who actually think that when they reach the pearly gates a big band will be there to meet them and they will be conducted at the head of a procession of flying banners to the place where the crowns are given out." Why does it always send a chill down a country editor's spine when he opens a letter and finds a polite request to stop the paper? A subscriber may have moved away from the home town ten years before, he may have left the country, or financeal straits the editor is well aware of, may be the cause. Just the same it hurtssomething like the losing of an old friend. This same feeling doesn't apply when a man with a grouch, or a man who wants to whip the editor, come in and stops his paper. Such cattle are always acI commodated with -Horton Headlight.

Here, says the Jamestown Optimist, is the way to defraud the porter out of an honest dime when you are traveling on a Kan. sas railroad; we noticed a man work it last Sunday evening. He purchased a Sunday paper and after getting his money's worth out of the paper, tore off a sheet and rolled it into a small funnel, and then turned up the lower or small end of the cone and used it for a drinking cup. This sort of a a drinking cup is highly practical and is fully as sanitary as a cup sold by the porter after hauling it around for over a month or two and fingering it over fifty time a day. Preaching at the United Brethren church next Sunday August 21 at 3 p.

by Rev. J. W. Reed. A cordial invitation is extended to A New Short Order Restaurant.

Since the recent fire, when Mrs. Syble Fisher was burned out, it has looked as though this line of business, as far as she was concerned, was ended. With considerable loss and no seeming location in view for her to occupy, the conclusion was arrived at that her retirement from that line of work in which she has built up a splendid trade, had come. But some time conditions arise, when the dark overhanging clouds are just before the bright sunlight. It seems this has been true with Mrs.

Fisher, for arrangements has been concluded whereby she has taken possession of the old Grill location, and has opened for business. It is needless for us to refer to the popularity of Mrs. Fisher with her home cooking. This can be testified too by the thousands who bave satisfied the inner man at her well-ladened table. Least we forget, it is our duty to notify the general public of the fact that she desires all her old customers and new ones too, to give her an opportunity to provide for their wants is the short order line.

Don't forget now, that this is an invitation to you direct, that when in need of her provisions, that you make it a point to assist her by your patronage and secure a splendid reimbursement in the way of a good square meal. Remember it is at the old Grill stand, known now as the Palace. Birthday Party, Quite a crowd of young folks about 36 in number gathered at the home of Floyd Flynn, Friday night to help him celebrate his 17th birthday. The guest arrived about 8:30 and after games of various kinds were indulged in, supper was served by the Misses Edna Campbell, Florence Harshaw, Fannie Baker and Marion Flynn, which consisted of pine apple ice and cake. Punch was served throughout the evening.

At a late hour the guest departed for their homes but not before wishing Floyd many more such happy birthday. Those peesent were: -Paul Clark, Edna Slaughter, Howard Campbell, Virginia Clyborne, Lester Loomis, Lois Gale, Guy Straun, Myrtle Alexander, Orson Alex. ander, Kittie Titus, Emmett Stewart, Edith Green, Rex Scholes, Vivian Isbell, Harry Baker, Louise Jacobs, Eddie Klager, Dorothy Wolff, Leo Drake, Vera Prater, Thomas Thrope Roselee Brigham, Gideon Paryear, Myrtle Cripe, Edwin Marks, Hulda Blackledge, Leslie and Buelah Chase, Leslie Broderson, Lira Crowley, Van Scholes, Ruth Harvey, Mr. and Mrs. Elmer Bull.

Oklahoma Keeps a Farm of Freaks. A chicken with its heart on the outside of its body is one of the monstrosities owned by Billy Lumpkins, a local character at Tulsa, Oklahoma, whose hobby is the raising and breeding of freak animals. His unique menagerie includes a five legged hog, a one legged chicken, a horned rooster, a talking sparrow and the fowl with its heart on the outside of its breast, his latest acquisition to the strange collection of nature's freaks. Therefore Nellie. While George was playing with his cat the other day his mother asked him: "George what is your pussy's name?" "I used to call it Tommy, but I changed it to Nellie, because I want it to have kittens." -Ex.

The Preacher and the Bear. The great hit in song, "The Preacher and the Bear," was most vividly portrayed in the Kansas City Post of Saturday. Those who have heard the story in song of the preacher who went fishing on Sunday morn and for protection took his gun along and under most exciting conditions took to a tree when Mr. Bruin came down the pike, remember how after endeavoring to pursuade the bear to take a walk, became demoralized when it started to climb the tree and called on the Lord for help, can recognize in this caroon the humorous position of our President. It shows President Taft sitting out on the limb of a tree, and behind him on the extreme ragged edge, the tariff with its feeble: arms around the executive's waist clinging for dear life.

At the foot of the tree, with hands extended in surprise, stands Teddy Roosevelt looking at the bear marked "insurgency" who with a sardonic grin is hiking up the tree after Willie, and says: "Give us a boost Teddy." Taft, who has heard the request of Mr. Insurgency, looks down upon his "sponcer" with deep concern depicted on every feature, and in language most applicable says: "If you can't help me, for goodness sake don't help the bear." The call for this expression in cartoon, is the rumor that Teddy may help the western insurgents. She Planted Tomatoes. "And how are the tomatoes coming on?" asked Mr. Younghusband of his little wife.

"Well, dear," began the lady nervously, "I'm rather afraid we shall have to buy them after all." Mr. Younghusband frowned. "But, my dear Maria," he expostulated, "I distinctly understood from you a couple of months ago that you had planted a whole row!" "That's quite right, dear," explained Maria, "but I've just remembered that I forgot to open the tins!" Being Up-to-Date. W. T.

Jones has demonstrated that it is no longer necessary to catch Lake Emily pickerel with the aid of hook and line. He was on the lake in company with his son, J. O. Jones, and was sounding for bottom with a long fish pole. A large pickerel, more aggressive than usual, made a plunge for the end of the pole, and, when a few seconds later, Mr.

Jones brought his cane rod to the surface he landed a fish, the pickerel having taken the pole, which had penetrated between the mouth and gills. Mr. Jones undoubted. ly holds the record for this kind of catch. He Understood.

When the iceman came out of No. 57 he found a small boy sitting on one of his blocks of ice. he roared. "Wot are yer asettin' on that for? Git off of it!" The small boy raised a tearstained countenance. "Was yer ever a boy?" he queried, faintly.

"Of course I was!" fumed the iceman. "But-" "And did you ever play the wag?" cut in the youngster. "Of course I did!" snarled the iceman. "Now, then, you-' "An' when you got home did yer father never take a stick an'A lump rose slowly in the iceman's throat. "Sit where ye are, my little man!" he gulped.

"I understand!" -London Answers..