Kelley's Illustrated Magazine from Attica, Kansas • 8

8 Kelley's Illustrated Magazine. Feb. 1S95 eu jaj navy zzva r-en years in tne tnree ox four days. Ye are now looking fora good man to Kelley's Illus. Magazine.

Published monthly by THE KELLEY PRINTING Attica, Kansas, U. S. A. A Great Rarity. Charley Cotillion I don't see why you think that Miss Porswell is such a remarkable girl.

I cannot find anything extraordinary about her. Jack Meanitall Nonsense. She is the only woman in society today who has not read "Trilby" and "The Heavenly Twins." Truth. But our parents were always smarter than we! That takes in Dad! Algebra ought to he easy enough If I'd only study and follow the rule-Do I spend all of my time in writing notes And giggling and talkijr school? And my deportment! Shades of Job! Can a daughter of his have been so bad Then he laughs, and says that I get it all Straight from my Dad. He thinks that I ought to let novels alone And do the dishes and sweep and clean.

Why, boy though he was, he could bake and cook And do the housework at sixteen. And if I want to go anjT where Do I do anything but gad Lie'd like to know what the dickens I'm worth Does poor old Dad. Yes, I am the sharpest thorn in his path! How I could be worse he cannot see. The verr plague of his life am I And the chances are I shali alwajs bs! And though he acknowledges that I im The very worst daughter man ever had, Yet he rather-likes-to-have-me-around Does dear old Dad. Esther M.

Clauk. appoint as city marshal. We don't care whether he is a resident of the town or a stranger. We'd take a medical student from Boston with his hair parted in the center if satisfied that he was the right party. He must have nerve and sand and presence of mind.

He will be shot at half a dozen times per week, but his salary will be large enough to cover all risks. If sud-! denly turning a corner and running up against six or eight guns, he might be excused for betraying a momentary astonishment, but if he throws up his hands for any thing else he will promptly lose his job. I He is pretty sure to bo killed inside of six months, but that contingency is provided for. The city will give him a respectable burial and forward his widow one month's extra salary. All applicants must -apply In person at the mayor's office in the town hall.

Take Notice. For some time we have been in correspondence with a New York editor who is anxious to make a western trip for the benefit of his health, and who will make notes by the wayside as he travels. He has decided to pay this town a visit next week and will be our guest for three or four days. A New York editor differs from all other editors. He never goes out with the boys to have fun.

His idea is that all North America outside of New York city is grown up to huckleberry bushes, grizzly bears and bullfrogs. In a dim, uncertain way he has heard of the west and has made a memorandum as follows: 4 Considerable land, such as It is; a few people, such as they are; wolves, b'ars, Injuns and landslides. Generally used in connection with the star of empire. Never crowd out a cough syrup ad. to say anything about the west." The New York editor sometimes goes over to Europo or i3 bo reported, but never travels in any other direction.

The report that one was onco seen as far away as St. Louis turned out to be false. As stated, this editor has decided to visit us. We hope to make things so pleasant for him that others will come, and in time the average New York editor will discover that the sun does not set in Jersey City. We ask as a special favor that while our guest is here all shooting irons be worn out of sight.

We shall carry our guns in our boot legs during his stay. He will probably wear a plug hat, and if the boys will abstain from shooting at it we will open a half barrel of beer after his departure. He may wear patent leather shoes or something fancy in calfskin, but we ask the crowd not to shoot the heels off. If there are hind buttons on his coat, let them remain there. They are a temptation, of course, but we are only asking in this one case.

Our friend will of course visit the city hall. While there we hope and trust that old Jim Hew-eon will not ride his broncho up stairs or shoot at the gilt ball on the flagstaff. He will attend the meeting of the common council with us and be introduced to all the aldermen, and we ask Alderman Murphy in particular not to move the previous question and oblige us to pull our gun. In brief, while the gentleman remains with us let us as a people so conduct ourselves that ho will go away with a favorable impression and do us justice afterward. as he has departed wo will lower the flag on The Kicker office, and the boys can begin to shoot and yell and be happy again.

We hope that our per sonal appeal to a public we have lived among for tho last five years will not be in vain. M. Quad. An Agrreeable Aid to Peaceful Slumber. Nothing is more agreeable on retiring for the night than to take a bowl of hot broth, like oatmeal gruel or clam soup.

It is a positive aid to nervous people and induces peaceful slumbers. This is especially the case on cold winter nights, when the stomach craves warmth as much as any other part of the body. Even a glass of hot milk is grateful to the palate on such occasions, but a light, well cooked gruel is better and during the cold months of winter should be the retiring food of every woman who feels, as many do, the need of food at night. Paris In 1775. Crime was so rife in the good city of Paris that a dozen corpses were shown most mornings in the morgue, and nets were lowered each night from the Pont Neuf to catch the persons thrown over by the cutthroats.

Yet the punishments were by no means lenient, and Jekyll gives a horrible description of how he had seen a criminal broken on the wheel, without stirring from the balcony of his own apartment, when "Monsieur de Paris" discharged the duty of his office in bag wig and ruffles and bien poudre. Blackwood's Magazine. B. V. KELLEY, Editor.

One copy, one year, 50c Single copy, 10c Remit by postal or express money order, or bank draft to The Kelley Printing Attica, Kansas. MOTHER. Let us forget that we are men, brother of mine, and once again Dfop back through the whir and worry of years To a place where a day long gone appears, And, boys again on the old home farm, We taste its sweetness and joy and charm With mother. We'll go again to the cross-road school With its spelling bees when the nights grew cool; Where once a-week the Ridge school stood Defiant against our neighborhood, Till their last speller, to our delight, Suffered defeat on the final night From mother. And then the fun at the festival Of a winter night in the old Grange Hall! When town against country voted a cake To the prettiest girl and Evelyn Our country belle, was the winner; and we Were doubly glad, for that cake, you see, Was mother's.

Oh, the winter nights when we skated till The moon went down! and the utter still Of the frosty air save for our tread On the frozen snow; and the sweet-pone bread We ate from the cupboard by candle-light, And call as we went up stairs, "Goodnight," To mother. Once remember? we could not play For lonesomeness through a summer For she was away. We idled around Half scared by each mysterious sound, While we waited for her on the old gate-post, And wondered what made boys think the most Of mother. We may forget that we are men, brother of mine, and even again Go back through the whir and jar of the years To the old home place; but all that endears The old house, brother, is gone away. In vain would we wait at the end of day For mother.

E. E. Kelley. DAD. He says I think he's made of cash, I'm a very extravagant girl he knows.

And he'll be hanged if he ever can see Where all of the money I ask for goes. Why, when he was a boy, if he'd had one-half Of the many chances I have had, He'd have thought himself lucky, quite lucky indeed This dear old Dad! He wonders if, in this whole wide world, There was ever a girl such a perfect dunce! If I can't get arithmetic through my head I had better quit school at once! And Latin! Why, when he went to school It was the easiest study he had! Wasn't Expecting It. "Your Hunker," said the young woman's teacher, 4will make her mark. She has decided talent as an elocu tionist." And Mr. Hunker went out to the wood shed, sat down on the sawhorse and wept.

Chicago Tribune. An Extreme. "Mrs. Goodscnse is going to start a dress reform movement here. What do you think of it?" "Mercy, I had never noticed that her figure was so bad as all that!" Chicago Inter Ocean.

Not What lie Expected. Mr. Yes; take it off I'll surprise my wife with a clean shave. Mrs. Younghusband (shopping) I will take that silver mustache cup.

But Mr. Y. did not receive the greeting of pleasant surprise he expected. New York World. In the Thirties.

An Envious Contemporary (to Miss Budlong) And so you are really engaged to Mr. Timid Sraithkins? Miss Budlong (quite provokingly) Yes, dear, and I want you to sugecst something 6weet and tender to go in my engagement ring. Envious Contemporary If I were in your place, I'd just have tho simple word "Eureka." Tit-Bits. Their Guest. Clerk (of western hotel) I thought it best to caution that old fellow who just came In about blowing out the gas.

Proprietor Where's he from? Clerk From the greater New York. Life. United They Stand. Mrs. Jones How does your husband get along with your mother? Mrs.

Smith Whenever there is the slightest sign of trouble I get them to talk about the baby. Brooklyn Life. An Up to Date Student. Teacher (explaining that the earth Is round) Tommy, what country on the globo Is China underneath? Tommy (who reads the newspapers) Japan! Chicago Record. THE ARIZONA KICKER.

The New City Marshal Proves Himself to Be Incompetent. Wanted. When the mayor of this town (who is ourself) appointed Sam Mc-Gee city marshal, the appointment met with prompt and enthusiastic approval. Sam was not only known as a good fel low, but everybody was sure that he had sand. In tracing up his record we seemed to discover that he was a man without fear, and on accepting the office he took hold of things in a way to make our heart glad.

On the first day of his official career old Tom Harper, the b'ar hunter of Arizona, came to town, got drunk and started in to shoot the insulators off the telegraph poles on Apache avenue. The city marshal had him in the lockup inside of ten minutes. Up to last Saturday evening we had the fullest confidence in our appointee. We believed that nothing was too big for him to tackle, and that the man wasn't born who could make him lay down. At 8 o'clock on the evening named as we were talking with the marshal in front of the postoffice a sawed off, stuh toed, cross eyed kuss named Potter, who had been hanging around town for a week, walked up to Sam, presented a gun and ordered him to hands up.

To our supreme disgust and intense surprise the official elevated his arms, and his face took on a chalky color. As a matter of fact he was bluffed. Because taken off his guard, he allowed a half grown reptile to hold him THE OFFICIAL ELEVATED HIS ARMS. up and make such a spectacle of him as we hope never to look upon again in this world. We waited a minute to see what the marshal proposed to do about it, and seeing his chin quiver and his knees knock together we reached out for Potter.

When we bad disarmed him and driven him into the mud, it was discovered that the gun he had used to bluff McGee with hadn't a cartridge in it. It is needless to remark that the marshal was suspended from duty on the spot. When all was over, he wept like a child and brought forward a dozen excuses, but he had been held up, and that settled it. On Wednesday morning, after having remained in hiding for several days, he departed for Montana. Those who saw hi ui ride away say that he seem-.